i want to dig deep from wrist to elbow. i want to tear out everything inside of me. i want to hurt i want him to hurt me. i keep doing this, i keep fucking hurting him and i deserve it back. i deserve for him to leave me, to hit me but he never would. he can't get angry with me and he won't and it's not fair at all because he's so goddamn perfect and i'm next to being nothing at all.

i don't know how to keep this shit up. i can't keep moving, i'm knee deep in cement and i'm in a paralysis. i've stopped all progress and i'm failing. i'm losing the remnants of my former self. i'm becoming hollow and dark like a black fucking hole. i'm falling in to myself, i'm ruining everything, i'm smashing it all to fucking pieces. i want to hack away until my fucking hands fall off. but i can't do anything because i can't hurt him again.